Got home about 7:15. She always called at
7:30 or 7:45. She just kept talking until 10pm. I often cooked and ate
dinner while she was on the phone with me. This went on for four months.
It took a sarcastic comment from me to realize my situation. I forget
exactly what I said, but in a fake pouting voice, she said "Fine! See if
you can find someone better." Right at that moment I felt trapped.
I realized that I had been cut off from my
friends and myself. Sunday afternoon was the only time I had to myself -
Not always. Sometimes I would be with her and her kids. I loved her
kids!! They were great!!
Because of the situation I was in, I began
to wonder if I loved her or loved that fact that someone had given me a
chance... because she was there. I did not cheat on her, but I created
the possibility of someone else. I purposely looked for local girls
online to communicate with. (This was my only real option at the time.
At work, I was surrounded by married or engaged people.) I did not ask
any of them out.
My parents moved out of state as the
relationship was starting. After I returned from visiting my parents, I
was talking about how great Phoenix was. I do not get along with my dad
and she knew this. I had no intention of moving to Arizona. She got
paranoid on the phone, thinking I was planning to move.
I kept telling her that I had no plans but
she just kept going on and on. She started talking about visitation for
her ex-husband. About how she would have to pay for the transportation
for visitations. She acted like I knew all that stuff. She never told me
before, and I told her she had never said that before. She wouldn't
stop. Even after I said I didn't want to move, she remained paranoid. I
couldn't take it. The next day or so we broke up - my decision.
She tended to write very long e-mail
messages. (Longer than the posts I typically make in newsgroups.) She
even bugged me after the break up. This was before the internet was
popular and there were more local BBSs. We communicated on a system
where we had to delete our old messages. A few months after the break
up, she said she had been reading her old messages to me and apologized.
Her divorce was one of the nicest I had ever
seen. She told me that the judge kept commenting on how they were too
nice to each other. The judge also forced them to split things they were
willing to give up. Both of them didn't need their house, and she was
willing to give up the house to him.
She didn't want it. The judge forced them to
divide it. The father took the kids every weekend. They remained
friends. He wanted the divorce because he felt he couldn't properly fill
the role of husband. There might have been some cheating, but none of
that came up during the divorce process. She never mentioned it in a
She did marry later. I'm not sure if I
totally approve, but it's her life. She married an old friend whom I
have no objection to. Jerry is a nice guy. It's just that she swore that
she would never marry him. I believe she married him because he was
already there and so the kids would have that father she wanted her kids
to have. That's my reason for objection. I don't believe it was for
love. The love may have grown later.
I do miss her kids. I would have loved being
a step-father to them. More recently, I had a teenage girl who is 10
years younger than I am view me as a replacement for her abusive father.
We are still friends. She writes me more than anyone else by snail mail.
We started living in different states about
2 years ago, and I have over 30 letters from her since she moved. Before
she lost her e-mail account (I paid for her last one), we were writing
at least once each day - sometimes multiple times each day. I've known
her since she was 15. She is now 19. I'm not sure if her view of me has
changed. The last time I saw her she showed complete trust which was new
for her. (She used to have a problem with being touched.) I have no
doubts about my abilities as a father.
As for Arizona, I do live there now, but it
was because I had trouble finding a job in Dallas. I moved in with my
parents after being unemployed for 7 months. I should be able to move
out again soon. I'm finally having some things fall into place.