Me being 24 and he being 42, I didn't really
see what the big deal was since he was in America and I was all the way
down in Auckland, New Zealand. He is divorced with 2 great kids, I'm a
teacher with 30; so we got on well and started conversing and talking a
whole lot about life and love in general. It amazed me how attached I
had become the whole ritual of rushing home to see his icon pop up in
the corner of my screen. This made my heart beat so fast every time. We
met in a room initially for singles on msn chat. We talked all night
long and throughout the following morning.
At first he seemed very outspoken and sort
of rude, but I didn't let that stop our very interesting conversation.
"We are world's apart" ... those were the last words I remember typing
and two days later he had e-mailed me back twice, apologising for his
use of language. From there on Gary and I wrote back and forth. One day
he asked for my number and called me at home. His bill was a whopping
$300 dollars or so, after just 3 calls. After that I did all the
I left for a two week holiday in Australia
during mid September. When I got home our relationship had started to
crumble under the strain of not knowing how or when I was to make the
trip over to America. He emailed his picture and after a long while he
had to do with the fact that he still didn't know what I looked like. He
finally got my picture and we both fell in love with what we saw. Come
late November we had hardly spoken a word and emails were down from
almost 2 a day to zero. I felt like my whole world was crumbling. Just
before Christmas I sent him this special box of various gifts only to
find out that Gary spent Christmas alone in his room sick with the flu
and totally miserable. I felt bad about the whole situation.
With the culmination of a lot of things that
were out of my control, Gary one day emailed me saying that he wanted no
more contact. He was punishing me I felt for leaving home for a few days
to spend with friends. I thought "how bloody unreasonable" Yes I did
feel so totally humiliated and stupid for letting myself fall in love so
fast and trusting too eagerly, this man I had talked about seriously
making a future with. It felt like someone had slapped me in the face
and given me one heck of a wake up call. To this day I still don't know
why he really did it, knowing I spent endless hours and money to prepare
to come to him. I guess what did it for me was his final note saying
that he was now talking to someone else and that he did not appreciate
me emailing him ever again.
Whatever the reason, I felt totally betrayed
and wounded. Here was a guy I had trusted the most and yet he never
could entrust me with a few days of deserved rest and relaxation. I have
never cheated on him. Perhaps the fact of being 10,000 miles away from
each other, got too much for him to bear. I guess in a way I retaliated
the only way I knew how...not contact him at all!. I sent all of his
pictures back, extensive emails from him were erased immediately and
cards and letters that I cherished the most, I packed in an envelope and
sent to him the following week.
What killed me the most was sending back
drawings and pictures his little girl had given me. I just couldn't hold
onto them anymore. Looking at them made me want to cry and made me feel
like part of a family that was not mine and never could be. How could I
keep all this stuff, when all it did was remind me of him? Two months
later I secretly scoured the same chat room hoping to find him...but I
never did. It took me quite a while to get over him. To have a normal
day at work without my mind fleeting away to some fantasy that would
never come true.
The saying "time heals all wounds" applies
to me in many ways. There are still times when I'll see a sunset and
think of Gary...but not with the fondness that I had of him before. In
late March of this year I met another man on the internet and not
surprisingly also from Tennessee but originally from Maine. Things
between him and I are vastly different....for the better. I am honoured
to know him and share with him everything that is in my heart.
I know that I should have learnt my lesson
the first time, but I dared myself to proceed in the conversation.
Vinnie is a sweet yet very quiet and caring person. Surprisingly I found
myself being drawn to this man. We didn't exchange pictures for a long
time. We just remained friends and talked when we could. One day I took
it upon myself to ask him for his phone number. Instead of hearing that
deep Southern voice that I was expecting, I heard this sweet tender
northern accent that truly blew me away. As people would have warned I
should have never taken another chance to meet a guy via the internet,
but if I didn't I would have missed out on the greatest love I have
found with my babyguy.
Things between us are on an even level. I
can truly say that "I love him" and that we trust each other. Without
trust there is nothing and as difficult as it is, we get by for now,
doing what we can to contact each other as much as possible.
In a few weeks time my Vinnie is coming here to New Zealand to stay with
me for eternity. We will marry early next year and forge a brand new
life together. In a way I did this to thank a lot of people. Also to
Gary for if it wasn't for him, I wouldn't know what it is in a man I was
truly looking for. Someone who could trust me indefinitely and love me
for me, as Vincent and I do for each other.
It all started mid last year in 2000. I was
new to the whole relationship thing, in fact everything was new,
including my computer. I met a great guy in an msn chat room and as
things progressed real thoughts and intense feelings started to form. I
thought to myself 'this is insane'. Here is a single 24 year old female
from Auckland, New Zealand having what felt like a real loving
relationship with a 42 year old man from Tennessee...divorced with two
great kids. I'm a school teacher and life last year was an endless mad
rush to get home and log onto the computer to talk to my sweet man from
the deep south.
Things didn't turn out as sweet as I had
imagined. I met Gary in August and under immense pressure of leaving
family and friends to go to be with him, the relationship started to
crumble by early November. I said my goodbyes in January of 2001, trying
to rid myself of the guilt and pain of being let down and logged on
again to try and find a friend to talk to. My girlfriend of course
thought I was completely nuts as well as my family. For some reason, the
people that I could confide in, in the past became my worst critics. I
think that's just a natural reaction with most people.
Then it happened again, one night on the
last day of February. I was in the same chat room I met my last cyber
partner, maybe in retrospect to find him again and to feel that rush of
adrenalin and the pitter-patter of your heart pumping and your fingers
getting sweaty; to see his name pop up on my messenger list...it never
did again. Every time I was expecting Gary and as his name was left
blank on my messenger list, became such a burdening disappointment. I
was truly depressed and it began to show physically. I lost 10kgs and
everything from eating to sleeping to working became a complete
So as I was saying I was in this room again,
when I happened to come across a very interesting man. He typed in his
details and I guess the fact that he too was from Tennessee was my main
motive for talking to him. He was shy yet sensitive and I found myself
being drawn to him like a magnet. The feelings I was having at the time
were pretty confusing so I promised myself that this time I would have
more control and admit what I wanted in the relationship at all costs.
Laying the law down is sometimes a very hard thing to do...especially
you fear rejection the most.
Babyguy as I call him affectionately is the
most amazing person I have yet to meet in person. A week after we met I
asked him for his phone number. He was of course hesitant at first and
it makes us laugh when we talk about our early days of meeting. I was
pleasantly surprised to hear a northern accent. Not the deep southern
drawl I had become accustomed to before. He's originally from Maine and
has this adorable chuckle when we talk on the phone. He has completely
stolen my heart. I told him of my previous relationship and we both came
the realisation that sometimes it takes a lot of learning and heartache
to eventually get to the right person. In an ironic way if it weren't
for Gary I would have never met my Babyguy and in a way I have a lot to
thank him. I am no longer saddened by what happened because I have
learnt to accept that perhaps things happen like they do for a very good
reason. So in a way I accidently happened to meet my one and true love
after being left heartbroken.
I had to leave for a school camp soon after
we had met. When I came home I was surprised to find 3 long extensive
and emotional e-mails from my Babyguy. Boy did I miss him and if only he
knew how much I was falling in love with him. My feelings surprised me
more than anything. The night I told him that I loved him was a tear
jerking moment. I confessed to him that I wanted him to come to New
Zealand for me. I don't know, maybe the fact that I had prepared myself
to leave my country to live in the United States and the pain of that
dream not becoming a reality had made the thought of travelling again
almost unbearable. I was even willing to chuck in a great job and I
promised myself that I wouldn't take such a huge risk again until I knew
for sure that things would work out.
My Babyguy understood perfectly and vowed to
come and stay with me permanently. It was like the moment I heard those
words...I never doubted them, because I knew it was all true. We talk
over the phone for hours and we have exchanged photos and gifts. We
don't talk on-line as often as we talk on the phone. God it's bloody
expensive, but we manage to keep things in the balance and only god
knows that it's worth it and that it feels right for the both of us.
My Babyguy is due here in less than 28 days.
By the way I'm still 24 and my Babyguy is 34. I'll keep you posted on
how things turn out, though i already know how it's going to turn
out....just the way it should be. 'perfect'.
Sometimes you just have to run with you
instincts and trust your feelings.