One evening in ICQ I was messaged by a
person that lived in Germany. Nothing was of interest that evening, we
just chit chatted a little bit and then I told him that I had to get
offline cause I had to work in the morning.
The next evening he was online again and
he msged me once again. For some reason, that night we talked endlessly.
This went on for a couple of months and then he confessed that he loved
me, I was shocked at first, and then I was scared.
I had never told him that I was married,
it didn't seem like it was important at the time.
But after that conversation that night I
found myself thinking more and more about him and wondering if maybe I
didn't have feelings for him as well, but always in the back of my mind
was the man that I married.
took a lot of courage for me to email him a couple of days later and I
told him that I was married but that i thought I was having the same
feelings towards him but i wasnt sure. I was scared that that was going
to be the last of him.
But a couple of hours later i received an
email from him in saying that he didn't care, that he knew i was his
soul mate. This once again baffled me. What i didn't realize at the time
though was that he was in a conflict with his current girlfriend. In the
mean time while we were chatting constantly day and night, he introduced
me to all his friends, including his best friend. Soon I was talking
more to his friends than to him.
I talked to his best friend for probably 6 months and we became really
good friends, bantering back and forth, teasing, laughing and generally
having a really great time. He would help me with my web page and teach
me things about the pc and I would help him with his English. We got to
the point to where we were not only talking on the pc, but we were
sending msgs to each others mobile phones.
One evening while shopping in the grocery store I received a msg on my
phone from him saying that he was thinking about ending his life.
Frantic about this, i msged him back saying to give me 15 minutes to get
home and we could talk things over. I rushed through the store and back
home only to find that he would not talk to me, wouldn't pick up the
phone when i tried to call him. I was shattered, and it was at that
moment that I realized that slowly I had been falling in love with this
Scared of the feelings that i just
learned about in myself i wrote a long email to him, asking him to
please give me a chance to help and talk to him. Finally the next day he
allowed me to chat with him. We talked for hours about life, friendship,
love, etc... you name it and we talked about it. The next day he had to
go back to the military base but he msged me from his phone saying that
thanks to me he was feeling much better and happier than ever. It made
my heart swell knowing that he was happy.
About 1 month went by and I was falling harder and faster for this man.
One day I just decided to throw it out there and see how he would react
to my feelings. I told him that I was starting to have dreams about
being held in his arms, and being kissed by him and then I ended it by
saying that I wanted those dreams to come true.
There was nothing but silence on his end, and finally he wrote back
saying that he wouldn't mind being more than just friends with me as
well. We took things very slow from there, just feeling around blindly
in the dark, searching for each other. Then one day it just happened, I
couldn't hold back what i felt for him any longer, I spilled everything
out of the closet and to my surprise he felt exactly the same way. It
seems like now we can't get enough of each other, and we can never get
away with chatting with each other for at least 6 hours, and when we
aren't on the pc, we are msging each others mobile phone. He is like an
obsession for me.
We talk about meeting each other quite often but it is difficult since I
live in the USA and he lives in Germany. I have even gone so far as to
apply for jobs over there just so that I can be closer to him, just so
that I can feel his arms around me, to be able to look into his eyes and
tell him that I love him. I want to be able to experience all the
wonderful feelings that I have for him but in person. A friend and I
have made plans to fly over there next Summer, we want to take it slow
because we figure if our love can withstand this distance between us for
the duration of his university schooling then it can withstand anything.
Just when I think that I should just drop everything I have here in the
states, I remember that I have a husband. We are on a trial separation,
and he fully knows what is going on with my "German lover" but he also
says that he can forgive me and that he still loves me. This is where I
get so confused, *shriek* I NEED HELP! I am torn between following my
heart and finding true happiness with my overseas love or staying with
my marriage and pleasing everyone around me, which means pleasing my
family, his family, and him. I often wonder if I will have enough
courage to go through with it. But at the same time I would rather die
than to be without my love.
So that is my story, I know i left a lot
of details out and this is really just a short version of everything
that has happened, but all I am really looking for is maybe some advice
from either you or your readers.
Thanks for listening.