Sarah and Greg:
After having received a new computer for Christmas I logged onto a Christian dating service. A friend of mine had dared me to, and since I can't say no to a dare...
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She's From:   United States
He's From:     Germany

In September of 1999 I was married to the guy I dated for 7 years.

Why I did it I don't know, I think I felt obligated to and it was expected of me to do it. Ever since I said the "I do" I have hated myself everyday.
 

  One evening in ICQ I was messaged by a person that lived in Germany. Nothing was of interest that evening, we just chit chatted a little bit and then I told him that I had to get offline cause I had to work in the morning.

The next evening he was online again and he msged me once again. For some reason, that night we talked endlessly. This went on for a couple of months and then he confessed that he loved me, I was shocked at first, and then I was scared.

I had never told him that I was married, it didn't seem like it was important at the time.

 

 



   

 

 
       
 

But after that conversation that night I found myself thinking more and more about him and wondering if maybe I didn't have feelings for him as well, but always in the back of my mind was the man that I married.

It took a lot of courage for me to email him a couple of days later and I told him that I was married but that i thought I was having the same feelings towards him but i wasnt sure. I was scared that that was going to be the last of him. 

But a couple of hours later i received an email from him in saying that he didn't care, that he knew i was his soul mate. This once again baffled me. What i didn't realize at the time though was that he was in a conflict with his current girlfriend. In the mean time while we were chatting constantly day and night, he introduced me to all his friends, including his best friend. Soon I was talking more to his friends than to him.

I talked to his best friend for probably 6 months and we became really good friends, bantering back and forth, teasing, laughing and generally having a really great time. He would help me with my web page and teach me things about the pc and I would help him with his English. We got to the point to where we were not only talking on the pc, but we were sending msgs to each others mobile phones.

One evening while shopping in the grocery store I received a msg on my phone from him saying that he was thinking about ending his life. Frantic about this, i msged him back saying to give me 15 minutes to get home and we could talk things over. I rushed through the store and back home only to find that he would not talk to me, wouldn't pick up the phone when i tried to call him. I was shattered, and it was at that moment that I realized that slowly I had been falling in love with this man.

Scared of the feelings that i just learned about in myself i wrote a long email to him, asking him to please give me a chance to help and talk to him. Finally the next day he allowed me to chat with him. We talked for hours about life, friendship, love, etc... you name it and we talked about it. The next day he had to go back to the military base but he msged me from his phone saying that thanks to me he was feeling much better and happier than ever. It made my heart swell knowing that he was happy.

About 1 month went by and I was falling harder and faster for this man. One day I just decided to throw it out there and see how he would react to my feelings. I told him that I was starting to have dreams about being held in his arms, and being kissed by him and then I ended it by saying that I wanted those dreams to come true.

There was nothing but silence on his end, and finally he wrote back saying that he wouldn't mind being more than just friends with me as well. We took things very slow from there, just feeling around blindly in the dark, searching for each other. Then one day it just happened, I couldn't hold back what i felt for him any longer, I spilled everything out of the closet and to my surprise he felt exactly the same way. It seems like now we can't get enough of each other, and we can never get away with chatting with each other for at least 6 hours, and when we aren't on the pc, we are msging each others mobile phone. He is like an obsession for me.

We talk about meeting each other quite often but it is difficult since I live in the USA and he lives in Germany. I have even gone so far as to apply for jobs over there just so that I can be closer to him, just so that I can feel his arms around me, to be able to look into his eyes and tell him that I love him. I want to be able to experience all the wonderful feelings that I have for him but in person. A friend and I have made plans to fly over there next Summer, we want to take it slow because we figure if our love can withstand this distance between us for the duration of his university schooling then it can withstand anything.

Just when I think that I should just drop everything I have here in the states, I remember that I have a husband. We are on a trial separation, and he fully knows what is going on with my "German lover" but he also says that he can forgive me and that he still loves me. This is where I get so confused, *shriek* I NEED HELP! I am torn between following my heart and finding true happiness with my overseas love or staying with my marriage and pleasing everyone around me, which means pleasing my family, his family, and him. I often wonder if I will have enough courage to go through with it. But at the same time I would rather die than to be without my love.

So that is my story, I know i left a lot of details out and this is really just a short version of everything that has happened, but all I am really looking for is maybe some advice from either you or your readers.

Thanks for listening.

"Confused"