Mars & Deborah 3:
As Deborah went to the departure hall to fly out of Adelaide I knew that the next few months were going to drag on slowly and that I would miss her like crazy. I just didnt want her to go but that was the reality of the situation. When she got back...
>> Continued
 

 

 
 

 
 

She's From:   Canada
He's From:     Australia

I'm not exactly sure where to start my whole story...

Well, I do. I'm just trying to remember when exactly it all took place. Oh, right. February 98'. lol :)

     
 

In the beginning of the year in 1998, my parents had just bought a new computer, and not long after they had installed the Internet because they thought my older brother and I should have it. Only seeing it would be a helpful tool for our education for school purposes and so on.

To be honest, I wasn't really wanting to use it for school purposes. I just wanted to chat to people on the Internet because I hadn't done so before. When I had first came to the Internet.. I was so lost. All these pages needing 'Java script' were coming up.. and I had no idea what that meant. Sadly, I still don't :).

 

 



   

 

 
       
 

But anyways. I really couldn't be bothered with all that. I just wanted to find a chat where it was easy to access and easy to talk through. Finally I had come upon this chat room where it was pretty basic. Type in the white box, and press 'Say It!'. Seeing I was new to the internet, I suppose I didn't have many things to talk about, or that was really interesting to talk about. I doubted that I could hardly hold a decent conversation actually. But after a few times of visiting that chat room, I had finally met someone that was actually talking to me for more than 3 minutes, and not moving on to talk to the next person. Really, when I had first met him.. I was immediately attracted to him.

Not in that sense, but he just had a brilliant personality and he was an incredibly great person to talk to and get along with. For the next few times I would visit into the chat room, he would be in there, and we'd be only talking with one another. I had learned his name was Ciáran (like Keiron), and he was 16 yrs, and lived in southern Australia. At this time I was 14. Not long after.. he seemed to have disappeared. I mean, I didn't really think much of it because he lives in Australia, and I live in Canada. I just thought seeing the 16 hour time difference between both of our countries.. that we were just missing one another. Until then, I wouldn't have heard much from him. I never had asked for his e-mail address, so there was no way that I could possibly talk to him. It won't be until late August 98' now that I'll have heard from him.

Not ever forgetting about Ciáran, and remembered about him, I had noticed that he had come back on-line and was some what chatting in the chat room. He had a totally different nick-name, but you can tell by the way the person types that it's them. To be honest, I never asked why he was away for those few months without telling anybody why he had gone. I was just pretty happy to see him, and hoped that nothing horrible had happened. But really, something did. His father had died in a car accident. Some of you can imagine what it's like losing a parent at a young age. I was actually surprised that he even came back on-line after what had happened. I was very shocked with what he had told me about his dad, but I let him know that if he still ever needed to talk to someone that I'd be there to always listen whenever he wanted to talk.

I had given him my e-mail this time, so we could still communicate out of that chat room. I had learned that he had this internet romance going on with a girl named Casey, she was his age, and she was from the States. He had introduced me to her, and I recognized who she was from the chat room. I mean, at the time she was really a lovely person when I had met her. I just didn't really like her too much. I don't know what it was, but I just had this totally funny feeling about her. But through the time I had given Ciáran my e-mail address, we had grown exceptionally close to one another. I had never let anyone become so close to my heart, than I had let Ciáran. I felt Ciáran and I had even become so much more closer than me and my best friend whom I've known for my whole life. 

Ciáran and I became best friends. Really, I couldn't believe I had met such a wonderful person ..I mean, there'd have to be a catch, right? Yes.. the 15,000 miles between us. (Ohhhh ..that just sucks.. doesn't it? ) We'd always write this massive e-mails to one another, and tell each other everything. Give advice to one another on everything, and he'd cheer me up and give advice when I told him I was having problems with my boyfriend, Andrew of 1 year, and I'd help him on his relationship when he was having problems with Casey.

All of this had been going on till mid July of 99', when I felt like there was something different between Ciáran and myself. I had started to get feelings for him?.. I just found it extremely weird, because I was getting these feelings for someone who I had never met. I would just all of a sudden race to the computer to check my mail e-mail, and get butterflies in my stomach seeing Ciáran's e-mail waiting there for me in my in-box. This guy who I never met, was all of a sudden growing on me and I started to like him more than a best friend. I never let him know that I was feeling like this.. and I tried to ignore my feelings because I didn't want it to interfere with my relationship with Andrew, which would be nearly a 1½ yrs. 

But I couldn't help it, I started to grow apart from Andrew because all I could think about was Ciáran.. all I wanted to go was talk to him and have our 3 hour conversations. Thing was, Casey had started to get really annoyed with me and Ciáran. She thought I was taking away all their time they had to talk to one another. At the time I never thought about it. I really didn't care, because I wasn't doing anything wrong? I didn't see why she had to talk to me about it, it wasn't as if I was taking her boyfriend? But anyways, I respected what she had said, and I started to see less and less of Ciáran.

He really didn't know what was going on, but I told him I was just busy with school work and my friends. He understood. We didn't speak from that point for about a month, because my brother's girlfriend from Scotland, and her family had come over, for the summer , and my brother and I went away with them for a couple of weeks up to Niagara and St.Cathrines, and eventually we went back to Scotland with them for a couple more weeks. I had Ciáran on my mind constantly. I barely talked to Andrew the whole time I was staying with my brother's girlfriends family, and my own 2 set of grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins that had lived in Scotland.

Being away from Ciáran and Andrew, had just given me a lot of time to think. It was pretty obvious my feelings for Andrew now. Things just started to get more rocky, and I was becoming more distant. I had lost all my feelings for Andy by the time I had come back to Canada, and I had to tell him. But I never told him why I felt like this. He wouldn't understand I was having feelings for somebody else, on the INTERNET.

Finally when I had come back to the net, I had contacted Ciáran via e-mail, to let him know I was home. I had talked to one of my other friends on the net who had also known Ciáran. From the time I was away, my friend Ashley had told me that his mother had died on July 13th, 1999. She too, had also died in a car accident, just like his father had the year before. I was in total shock... I wasn't sure if me talking to him would help. But when the time came around for us to talk later on that evening, I let him know again that if he wanted to talk about it, he could. I didn't want to say anything, or ask if he was "alright" because of course he wasn't.

He had lost both his parents, and he only had his older brother and sister now he was living with, plus his uncle was coming down from Ireland to look after him. I think that, he was starting to take things pretty all right when August came around. I started to see him smile and he'd be laughing, so I took that as a good sign. I think Casey was still growing annoyed with me, because I was back to talking a lot with him again, writing him huge e-mails, and he told her I was the one that started to make him smile and laugh again.. so she was pretty annoyed. I don't see why she should, because Ciáran was learning to get over what had happened, and I was trying to help, being the best friend to him that I was.

After some few days.. me and Casey were talking to one another through ICQ. Things seemed pretty normal. We'd just chat about few things, and I could see she was also concerned about Ciáran as well as I was. I had learned later on that evening she was going to be leaving for Texas that night to visit her family. I acted pretty interested, but I really wasn't. I was just throwing the shit around. I really didn't give a rats arse what she had to say to me about her going to Texas. Not long after Casey left that night for Texas, I had received an e-mail from Ciáran on August 7th, asking me to talk to him that night in his chat-room he had set up. I agreed. I was thinking he wanted to talk to me about his mum. But as soon as I entered into his chat room, I knew something funny was going on. There was this whole.. awkwardness lingering around the room, and I could tell he was extremely nervous about something. The conversation was starting to become pretty empty when he asked about my family in Scotland I would be visiting soon.

Finally, he was ready to tell me what it was. It took him about 5 minutes.. and I was growing really nervous with whatever it was he wanted to tell me. When I had looked up at the screen, I finally seen "I've fallen for you, Caroline." I SO didn't expect any of that. I think my heart even stopped for a few seconds, and I just couldn't swallow down what he had said to me. I had this massive smile on my face, stretched from ear to ear. I didn't let him know at that time how I had felt.. because he was with Casey. I didn't want to interfere with their relationship.. but I knew my feelings for him, and I really had fallen for him as well. There was no denying it. But later on after I had time to let things sink in while outside, I wanted to let him know that I had feelings for him. 

So I e-mailed him, and returned my feelings. For about a week, this had all gone on with Casey being away in Texas. He told me he was falling out of love with Casey, and had fallen for me, and he believed that he loved me. He said he had been feeling this way for quite some time now, and when I had been there to make him smile and help him recover from what happened with his mother dying, that it meant something. I was happy to be there for him, and I think I found myself falling in love with him.

I can't exactly remember what happened a day or two , before Casey had come home.. I came into the chatroom I had first met Ciáran in, and I seen that he had come in. He was totally avoiding me at this point, and he started talking to this girl who I had never seen on there, but apparently she knew Casey quite well. Ciaran and her, went into a different chat room, and I guess she knew about the feelings Ciáran and I had exchanged for one another. I believed that it was Ciáran that came into that chat room.. and I didn't know why the hell he was ignoring me. So finally I sent him an e-mail telling him to forget everything I had told him, because it was all a huge mistake. None of this should've ever happened.. and that I was going to be leaving the net.

I had left the net for about a couple days, but..I found myself coming back cause I wanted to clear up whatever happened between me and Ciáran. When I checked my e-mail, he had told me that it was an imposter that had come in there and was talking a bunch of bull shit. It wasn't him. But still, Casey found out in the end what was going on between us. And man, was she pissed! Not so much at Ciáran, but at me. She said she knew I was dying to start something up while she was away in Texas, which was totally untrue. But still, Ciáran did end up avoiding me for a while, and me and Casey just never talked.

My friendship with Ciáran seemed to have shattered and cracked.. at this point I thought it was ruined. Still.. being best friends we ended up mending our friendship again. We were back to the same ways we were.. and if not, I think we had become closer after something like that. After something like that had happened, we both realized how important our friendship with one another was, and how we really cherished it.

Through the next few months, Ciáran would still let me know though, that he was sorry with everything that had happened. Months past.. I had left for Scotland for a couple of weeks to be with my family for Christmas and the new Millennium, and Ciáran and myself kept in touch through air mail while I was away. The last letter I had received from him in the UK, he signed it off with saying 'I love you'. I ..I dunno how I felt with that. I was glad he still had feelings for me, because I still had them for him too.

But I had written him an e-mail (a short one, seeing my wee cousins would be nosy and read everything I had written) and asked him about the letter. He told me that he still did love me, and it has always been there, and will not change. He wanted to have a relationship with me, but I told him this was probably not the best time. He felt that we were meant for each other.. and I told him that if we really were meant for each other, that we would end up together one way or another down the road. He had told me that he had dreams of us getting married, and explained everything in detail and everything with him and myself, just felt so right.

Time passed.. things were the same. Ciáran was still with Casey, and I wasn't interested in having any sort of relationship. I really was just waiting for Ciáran and Casey to break up, and see what could happen between Ciáran and myself. They had been going together for about 2 years now at this point, so I could see how it'd be difficult for them to break now. I still found it unfair with him telling me that he loved me, and he was with Casey. I guess really.. I just had enough of the whole bullshit that was going on. 

I was starting to feel used, and I just didn't want to be in this situation with him anymore, so I told one of my girlfriends to set me up with one of her friends. So.. on June 29th, me and Matt had gotten ourselves into a relationship. I didn't tell Ciáran about Matt, because I didn't see why I should. I thought at this point he wasn't interested in me anymore, and was too scared to break off with Casey.

It wasn't till the mid summer that Ciáran had found out about my relationship I had going on for a couple of months with Matt. Ciáran was absolutely crushed. He was even more crushed having to find out from someone else , rather than hearing from me that I was with somebody else.. He couldn't stand knowing I was with another guy, so he finally broke up with Casey. 

I'm pretty sure Ciáran expected to me break it off with Matt right away, and come crawling back to him knowing him and Casey were over. Thing was, I didn't even have feelings for Matt. I think I only went out with him because I felt like my heart was becoming a football. I hated being told that Ciáran loved me, while he was still going with Casey. I think I just needed someone to show me some attention, and be shown affection towards me. I talked less and less to Ciáran, because I was spending more and more time with Matt. But when I had seen Ciáran the one time, I had told him I loved him. That was on August 7th,-1 year to the day he told me he had fallen for me. This was the first time I had ever told someone I loved somebody. I never even told Andrew, that I had loved him after our 1 ½ year relationship.

I realized I was wrong to tell Ciáran I loved him while I was still going out with Matt. I was doing pretty much what he was when he was having a relationship with Casey. Ciáran wanted to know where him and myself stood.. and at this point I didn't know. I found myself after that point, coming on the internet more regularly to talk to Ciáran, and I was spending less and less time with Matt. Making up excuses not to be with him, and so I could talk to Ciáran. I realized that I shouldn't have ever gone out with Matt though. I couldn't stand the thought of kissing Matt, and not even having any feelings for him. 

I couldn't stand the thought knowing those lips I was kissing, weren't Ciáran's lips.. Things started to get messy though, Matt was telling me he loved me, and was falling in love with me.. and hadn't ever felt this way in his life before with someone. He said he knew I was feeling this way for him as well, and I was in love. He was right telling me I was in love, because I was - but with Ciáran. It finally had clicked to me , that I was in love. Ciáran was really the only person I wanted to be with, and he was the only person that made me happy. Not long after Matt told me how he felt, I had to tell him I didn't want part in the relationship anymore. He was absolutely devastated.. and I felt horrible because I felt I had used ..well, I did use Matt to try and get over Ciáran. That's an extremely horrible thing to do. 

On October 13th, me and Matt broken up. Ciáran knew I had broken up with Matt but Ciáran was still pretty hurt knowing I had not waited for him to break up with Casey and just left for Matt. For so long, things had become so awkward. It was so frustrating with all the shit we had been through for one another.. but I'd go through worse for him. I just hated not being able to talk to my best friend like I had use to be able to, because of what happened. We couldn't even talk for half an hour because of the forced, empty conversations.. it was just becoming so pathetic.. and I still had felt so ashamed because I never let Ciáran know about myself and Matt.. he still held some anger towards me for that... but over time, both our hearts healed, and in the end we both told each other how much we truly loved one another. Since Matt and myself broke up, Ciáran and I have become together since. Now, at this point, I am starting to believe that Ciáran and myself are for one another, only. I don't understand how we couldn't be seeing that ..we've come this far, nearly 3 years of knowing one another, and.. it all mean nothing. 

In all my life, I wouldn't have ever expected to fall in love with someone I have never met before. But.. I have, and it's an extremely great feeling I tell you:) And after all we've been through, I wouldn't change a thing. I'm looking forward to forever with him..

We do have things planned of course though. I'll be 17 soon, and Ciáran will be 19 in some months yet. He'll be starting university or college soon and he's been talking about coming to Canada to live here to be with me.. but it frightens me knowing he'd give up his whole life to be with me.

For one, I plan on living in the UK.. so does he, so we just plan on moving over there to live together after college . But with him talking about taking school here.. and moving here, I don't know exactly how I'm dealing with that.. Plus, I think my parents would probably be pissed outta their minds knowing I had someone from Australia, come all the way out here.. but we've been talking about meeting up some time next Summer after I've graduated from high school, and we can meet up in the UK where we're both familiar with the surroundings, and where we can both be ourselves.

Not being around each other's family and having them peer around our shoulders with what we're doing. But anyway, if it all happens I promise to keep you posted:)

"Caz"