He knows about my awful past with boys,
he knew that I didn't have any trust in ANY BOY at the time, I was hurt
in the past by an ex (the only boy I've ever loved, I thought) & he had
cheated & it really hurt me.
I thought I was in love with him, but
since meeting Omar I have wondered about my feelings, the way Omar makes
me feel is not even expressible by words & is a feeling I have never had
with any other male before, but I like this feeling so much, I live for
it & it is nothing compared to how an ex ever made me feel, so this is
why I think maybe I wasn't IN LOVE with him, but just loved him as a
good friend & felt I had to love him because he had loved me & we were
together. I felt because of that I decided to feel for him but those
feelings weren't pure. I felt for him because I wanted to, I feel for
Omar because I don't have a choice. Love has no limits.
The thing that got me to Omar is that, of
all the boys I've ever been with, up until the ex that cheated, I was
the one that worked on the relationship, I would try hard for things to
work & I would like try to push on how I wanted things to go in the
relationship, but ever since the cheater ex, I have totally changed.
I no longer pushed for any relationship,
of any kind, with any boy, at all. I saw it in my mind to just either
"play" (use) boys or just don't talk to them. And that's what I was
doing, ooppss I forgot my age, I'm 19; But then I met Omar, & meeting
him has changed my life around, I thank God for him everyday though.
I don't know if you'll believe in "signs"
but I do, & a lot was happening between us, like everyday, I will tell
you one... I dedicated a song called "the light" to him, & since then we
would tell each other that we are like a light to each other, anyway, so
we were talking one day & I told him that if we have kids, it would be a
girl first, because I had had a dream that we had had a girl child so he
had asked me if I knew who Queen Noor was & I said yes, she's the queen
of Jordan, so I went on to say that I had always loved that name & when
I was younger I had planned to name my daughter that, if I had one, he
then admitted to me that Noor meant "light" in his country. That did it.
And just like that he totally changed me,
ever since that day, he admitted to me that Noor meant light in his
country. That did it. I was so surprised at this, I still am and that
was just one of the many signs, & if your like me & believes in "signs"
this can mean a lot. From early in our relationship Omar had told me
that he felt more for me than I was probably thinking.
Yup he had gone & fell in love with me, I
would usually run from any boy that I felt was getting too close to me
or my feelings rather. But he was getting there, he loved me, he told
me, but I did not run, I couldn't.
I tell him this everyday that he has
forever changed my life. Anyway To cut a long story short... Returning
the loving feeling didn't come easy for me, but it came. It just hit me
one day after we were talking online. All I can say is that I had
promised myself that if I EVER fell in love again with any boy, I would
have to marry him, because of how I had felt towards boys in the past,
so will I marry Omar?:-)
I really feel that he changed me, I know
he did, I am now in love with him, & I like us as it is, because we have
never physically met as yet, & that just makes me feel that we have a
real bond based on our personalities most importantly, that's probably
the main good thing about people "Hooking" up over the internet. Their
friendships to me, are more true & strong, or should be.
Now we are both in love with each other,
I don't know how I was able to feel so strongly towards him, knowing
that we are different, as in cultures, race, family but I know that the
love we share is very similar, I love him & I will put a lot of stuff
after this love. It is amazing how I always thought that me falling in
love again, would be impossible, but a boy from way across the world,
was able to make me feel this way.
We are at the stage now, that all we look
at is the future, at least mostly, both of us want to be with each
other, it's just the "how?" I think will need a lot of working on. I am
really willing to alter my future plans towards this relationship & I
know Omar is too. He is coming here in July to visit and we will finally
get to meet, physically, and I know that this will be a good thing for
us. I used to think that if I was to start a serious relationship with
Omar, that it would take a lot from me, because I saw that if we should
fall apart it'll be because of me, either liking another boy or just
getting frustrated. That hasn't happened yet, I have met boys that have
appealed to me since I've met Omar, but once getting to know them I've
realized that they couldn't compare to Omar, they can't. The Frustration
has happened, but Omar has been able to cure that too.
I've realized that for us to further our
relationship that it will take a lot on my part, but everything can be
done if I try I guess. I am soooo ready & willing to try. I know Omar is
right for me. He has said that he will wait for me for whatever, but I
really don't see me going anywhere permanently with any other boy, if we
get more serious with this, it will be hard, but he made me love again &
that is even harder. I know that interracial couples can face a lot of
problems with other people especially in public, but I guess when you
have love, nothing really matters. I have love.