Life began to get better, but I was alone. I was happy being alone. I
didn't want anything to do with men ever again. As I looked back on my
time with Jim, I became philosophical about having been lucky enough to
have been truly in love at least once in my life. I rationalised that I
was luckier than most people because I knew what it was like to have
perfect, soul deep love. I never looked at men and men never looked at
me. I wasn't asked out on dates, men never made sexual jokes with me,
they never looked at me as a desirable woman, and I was okay with that.
I'd shut down the part of me that Jim made come alive and I truly didn't
One day, I took a sick day from work and went with my mother to buy a
dishwasher. I walked into the department store and saw a brand new
computer and walked out with it a few hours later. That night I hooked
up all the bits and went on line to play my favourite Internet game,
Acrophobia. I'd played many times before and I'd always had such fun.
Sometimes I'd be laughing so hard, I couldn't see straight. So I was
glad I had my own PC instead of borrowing other people's. This
particular night I was playing in one of my regular rooms and I was
having a ball. BikiniBoy was in there but he was only playing
intermittently and to be honest, I didn't pay much attention to him. He
said hello to me and vice versa, but that was all. In one round, we'd
voted for each other's answers and I told him and he called me "Hairy
Girl" as a joke. Everyone laughed including me, so to get him back, I
mistyped his name as "Binky".
The room laughed again, and he thought it was funniest of all. He
privately messaged me and asked me if I had ICQ. I said no, and he gave
me the web address. I downloaded it and came back to the game and sent
him a private message, but he didn't respond, so I thought, "Oh, well,
no big deal." He was watching a hockey game and playing at the same
time, but I didn't know it at the time. He eventually came back to the
game and asked me where I'd gone to. I told him I'd downloaded ICQ, and
he said he knew because he'd already left me a message!
I went back to ICQ and he followed me and we started chatting. That was
the Saturday night, my time, and we talked back and forth all weekend.
He said he'd been watching my Acro chat for some time and he thought I
was smart and funny and I intrigued him. And when I'd called him "Binky"
by mistake, he was hooked and had to talk to me! Our relationship from
that point grew pretty intense pretty quickly. I felt I'd known him all
life even though I'd never met him before. We'd become so close so
quickly, that after 3 days I'd invited myself to Canada to visit him
(I'm in Australia) and he said yes.
I fell in love with him pretty quickly and it's like nothing I've ever
known before. I think he fell in love with me rather quickly too, but
was wary of making a commitment to someone he'd never seen. He thought
it was strange, but I was very comfortable with how we'd met and didn't
think twice about it. Now, he is the love of my life and he feels the
same way about me. I'm going to visit him in July this year (2000) and
I'm so excited about it I can't breathe sometimes!
I don't know what will happen from here. I would love to be married to
him and live the rest of my life with him. We've jokingly talked about
marriage, but he said he would never propose to someone he's never seen
and I understand that. I'm hoping this 3 week holiday will convince him
once and for all he can't live without me. I'm quite confident of a
happy ending because how could I feel so much for someone I've never met
and have it be the wrong decision? We haven't had the usual physical
stuff get in the way, so it must be the real thing, because we've
connected so much deeper than that. The first time I heard his voice, he
sounded so familiar to me and I felt such a rush of love go through me,
but I'd never talked to him before that time.
All I know is, he's brought to life the part of me I didn't know still
existed and I really like the person I am when I'm with him. We tell
each other "I love you", but to me those words are inadequate to
describe the depth of feeling I have for this truly wonderful human
being. He is the love of my life and I don't know how I survived without
his love all this time. People say I'm nuts and I should be prepared for
heartbreak. But my answer to them is, it doesn't matter what happens
because I love him and nothing will change that. And if he decides he
doesn't want me, then I will have the strength of that love inside me
for the rest of my days. Whichever way it happens, I feel truly blessed
to have known him and shared something wonderful.
I'll keep you posted as to how things go.
>> Continued in