how our story starts out. I was going to be 17, but I wasn't too happy.
Toward the end of my sophomore year I was real depressed. My friends
weren't talking to me, when I would try to start a conversation with
them they'd go "So What?" or just completely ignore me, then they would
complain that I need to talk more. When a new person would show up
they'd introduce me as "This is Angela, but she doesn't talk."
I had never been on a date...had just gotten over this extreme fear of
guys and had been only asked out once by a guy that was way too old for
me and had just broken up with his girlfriend two weeks earlier. He was
just like "You haven't been on a date? Well how about you and I go out
so you can have the experience of it?"
I really needed someone to talk to, and I
was starting to believe that I was really just a social freak that no
matter how hard I would try I'd never be able to really have any true
friends. So, one day I went online and tried to chat. I didn't like it
at first, but after two weeks of trying I was an addict. It was my other
life. I was who I had always felt like I was but could never be. I was
getting so many friends I couldn't remember all the nicks, and then just
before summer came, some guys online (not those perverts that go around
saying "I like you, let's cyber", but guys I had been friends with for
awhile) started expressing to me that they liked me.
I was freaking out. That had never
happened to me, but I hadn't heard of cyberdating...even if I had
feelings for them what could I do? They were miles apart from me..we
couldn't date. Well, I met Sajjad and like three days later we were
hooked. He was my first cyber boyfriend. We never participated in
cybersex...that's just... well its wrong! and he didn't agree with it
either, but it was like a pretend relationship. Wasn't serious or
anything, we just would talk for four straight hours at night. A month
later I caught him in a porn chat room..he denied it so I ended the
My next online boyfriend was a bit more
serious..in my eyes but not in his...it ended when school started and
the break up was like ..ok he had gotten me on icq and I had to send the
message while he was offline because he never was online anymore the
next day I got a message just saying yes and I didn't hear from him for
4 months after that. That guy I had really thought I loved he had gotten
me over my real life crush and whenever I talked to him I was filled
Like I said I was an internet addict..I
didn't see how I could date in real life..so after the secound boyfriend
I started rebounding. I had two short relationships on the net after
that..it was becoming like a game to me. I wasn't just addicted to
chat..I was addicted to having an all time talking companion...someone
there just to lift my spirits.
I started to hate myself for what I was doing to these guys, so I tried
my hardest to avoid the relationships. Then, a guy nicknamed MagicSmooth
started hitting on me. I had known him almost as long as I had been on
chat and we had never really gotten along. He was an online player would
have 10 online girlfriend's at the same time and try to hid them from
each other. He also was a hacker and all of a sudden he started helping
me out with problems on my computer which I'd be grateful for and then
he started saying "I love you like a sister" Then he'd just do things
for me w/out my asking and I'd ask him why and he'd be like "oh I don't
know." I was pretty suspicious of what he was doing. We had talked on
the phone earlier he'd tell me about these terrible stories of his
parents dying and his best friend dying and all this junk.
He was also dating this girl online
nicked Dana when he started hitting on me. So one day he did another
thing for me and I asked "Why?" and he like got all frustrated and was
like "Are you that dense? Can't you tell when a guy likes you?" Well, I
still thought he was lying, but what if he wasn't..I didn't want to
offend him so I apologised. He also told me he broke up with Dana..they
had been in a big fight and said stuff about how I had helped them in
He was just full of compliments. He asked
me to be his online girlfriend and I told him I didn't know whether to
trust him or not. Then he told me he was this other guy I had talked to
in the summer that I had started to like, but had disappeared two days
after I met him. He just like twisted my mind all around till he
convinced me that I liked him. So, I told him yes, and the next day we
were calling each other sweetie and then I had to go to church. When I
got back, I'd message him and he wouldn't answer. Finally he said he was
doing some big hacking thing and didn't have time to talk.
Then, Dana got on. Gosh I was guilty. I
asked her what had happened between the two of them. She said they were
just great. And I said "He told me you two broke up" Well they hadn't. I
told her to get his attention and get him to talk to me. When I talked
to him he was like "What are you talking about? Someone must have taken
Remember...I love you like a sister nothing else." So I told him fine
and got off irc..then he msg's me on icq and tells me to get back on.
then he tells me he really did have feelings for me but he had thought
about it and thought I just felt sorry for him and that was why I was
going with him. He said he'd break up with her. Then he said he was busy
and that he didn't have time to talk. So, I was real stressed and
guilty. Talked with some of my online friends and found out he was also
trying to get with Molly..a girl he had dated in the Summer again..and a
bunch of other girls he was hitting on too.
I messaged him in complete anger. He
didn't answer. The next day I saw him on and messaged him telling him I
had to take him off my icq list and notify list on pirch till I got over
the anger. Well, he messaged me back and basically did a lot of swearing
saying he had only wanted to prove to himself that he could get me and
that he never really cared for me..that I was annoying and that no one
could ever care for me.
Surprisingly, I didn't cry. I just got all numb, and I was afraid of
guys online hitting on me. They'd be in my room and compliment me and
I'd just kick them out. Then I'd apologise to everyone saying I was just
stressed out and sorry. I was so lucky to have met Justin before the Magicsmooth blow. Unfortunately because that situation was so
complicated, I really don't remember meeting Justin. All I know is that
he was a new friend in the time that Magic had been hitting on me. And I
did know they weren't the same person because I had talked to the both
of them at the same time.
Its so weird because when Magic was
convincing me to like him, I had been getting to know Justin...(I was in
three private chats at the time) I remember thinking how much Justin and
I had in common - it was just one thing after another and wasn't like
"I'm into this" "you are too?!" It was just...we'd get on subjects that
I was pretty opinionated on, like religion and completely agree with me
and say things to support my side of the opinion. I did suspect him
liking me too. He kept asking me if he was bothering me, and I'd just be
"no! You're really fun to talk to." And I remember thinking "Gosh this
guy is nice. What if I missed the guy I was supposed to be with because
I was choosing some loser?"
Anyway, after the whole situation which
Justin didn't know too much about at the time, I started talking to
Justin a lot. He was always on at the same time of the day, and we just
clicked. Finally, I told him how I felt right as I was figuring it out.
I just said "I think I'm starting to like you." He smiled and continued
to talk. Then I told him I really did like him. He made a blushing smile
on the screen and SAID NOTHING ABOUT IT! Then I asked him if it was ok
for me to like him. His reply "Come closer to the screen. Closer. I have
a secret to tell you. I like you too." And this like wasn't like the
other's. This was more pure... it was real feelings.
Ok, just because we told each other we
liked each other..that didn't start the relationship. I was too afraid
that it would become like the other online relationships..plus my online
life was still a bit complicated. I won't get into that. We planned to
talk the next day which so happened to be his birthday, but he didn't
show up. I figured it was because he was at a birthday party and
couldn't get online so I didn't worry about it too much.
Then the weekend went by. Where did he
go? Got to hear from him Sunday night and found out there had been a
flood in the city his server was in..so he couldn't get online, and the
weekend he had to spend at his mom's. He was just like "If I would have
had your number I would have called." Well, we talked that day and on
Monday I finally asked him to be my online boyfriend. He goes "only if
you'll be my online girlfriend"
I talked to Magic again and he's like "you're really hurt aren't you?"
and I'm like "No, I already got an online boyfriend. I never liked you
that much in the first place." He said I was just rebounding..ha! Justin
and I exchanged phone numbers and I called him that Sat. I was pretty
nervous and I've never been much of a phone talker, but it was like
"Hello?" "Uh, hello. uh, Justin?" "Angela?" "I told you my voice was
stupid" "No its not. You have a nice voice." And from there on the
conversation just flew. I was cracking up laughing, (mom told me I was
too giggly) and just having a great time. Then mom comes up and goes "10
more mins." And I was like "Why?" She told me "that will make an hour"
So we said our ten min goodbye and got back on chat.
We've gone through a lot, and still have
never had an argument in our months of being together. We've sent each
other packages, and gosh. I remember how terrifying it was for him about
his family finding out about us. He was so afraid they'd make him end it
because they are really ones to fall for those things they say on TV.
His grandma started coming up the stairs after watching some show on
criminals on the internet and his brother warned him. Justin was like "I
gotta go." and I said "Why?" He said "I just have to." and close his
screen (I know more details because he told me later) Well when his
grandma came up I had popped on the screen telling him "ok, bye. I love
you." He wrote he loved me too, and talked it over with his grandma. He
got a hold of me later and told me what happened.
I wrote this huge email to his family
trying to convince them I was really the 17 year old I had been saying I
was. I was getting so excited for Summer...we'd be able to talk more
since there was no school. Well, June ended up being a bad month. He's
parents are divorced so he had to spend time with his mom...which meant
no online. That month our communication was strictly phone calls once a
week and letters through snail mail. Ever since the relationship had
started. I talked less and less on chat. When he was unable to get
online. I tried to get back on, but it just bored me. No one was as
wonderful as talking to him. It basically got me off of my chat
I started finding things to do offline
although I'd show up once and a while to work on our web site or look at
my fav sites or say hi to my online friend who kept saying how much they
missed me. And, guess what happened in July? We met in person. It was a
two day trip for my family to travel all the way down to MS, but it was
so worth it! It was the best three weeks of my life. I remember sitting
with mom in the lobby of the hotel and mom saying she thought she saw
them (I did have three pic's of him and a home video he sent me, but I
was still afraid I wouldn't regonize him) When I saw him..I knew it was
him. His mom smiled and pointed to me and I was just like "oh my gosh oh
my gosh oh my gosh" and we walked into each other's arms. it was
amazing...I had never been held in a guy's arms before..and actually was
pretty uncomfortable being close to people. (It was his first time in a
girl's arm's too.
He'd had two girlfriends before me, but
the longest one had lasted 2 weeks for him...one for her..she started
dating someone else w/o telling him. He found out when he asked her to
go to a dance with him. The other one broke up with him because he
wouldn't kiss her) That first day...we just couldn't stay away from each
other. We were practically making out in public..I guess it was our
inexperience, the fact we had wanted to hold each other for 6 months and
that we only had so much time together. Our parents had to talk with us
twice and the next day we were a lot better. We got better every day. I
got to meet his relatives, got to go four wheeling with him, then my
parents took us on a small vacation to the Smokey's.
We went back up to Wi with him along and
we spent two weeks together there..and in Mn where he met my relatives
and we went to Valley Fair and the Mall of America. We spent a bit much
money..I still owe my mom some..hehe, but it was worth it. I have never
been happier and him leaving was one of the hardest things I had to deal
with. We drove to the bus depot, and when the bus came..I tried to hold
him tightly and he kept pushing away. Later he told me it was because he
didn't want to start crying in the middle of a crowd. He got on the bus
and I just started balling. I couldn't let it end that way. Justin told
me that when he saw me crying he started to get back off to hold me one
last time, but I didn't notice that. I kept asking mom if I could go on
the bus and hold him one more time..if I was allowed to do that..and she
told me to just go. I got on the bus and looked down the aisle..and
finally saw him squeezing his way through people. We held on to each
other and he told me to step off the bus. We stood by the bus and just
held on each other so tightly and kissed a bit. He kept saying in my ear
"This isn't the last time we'll see each other. I love you. I'll be
back. I promise I'll be back."
He pulled away, and I held him tighter
and he stopped. Then I looked at his eyes. They were red and small, but
no tears were coming out and I commented on that. He told me he was
hiding it. Finally I let him go and we left before the bus left since my
parents had parked where they shouldn't have. He called me at the half
way point, and got home and found out he had to go back with his mom's.
It was back to the once a week calls, so we thought, but his mom said he
could call every day for a half hour..which we kinda went over.
He's now back at his grandma's..where he
gets to go online and has already started school. I start later this
week. We talk online...oh! And I finally got a job! Justin has given me
a lot more then just someone to love. He's given me a purpose in my
life. I'm not just someone living because I have to. I thank him for
everything he's given me...whether it be actual things like the promise
ring he gave me while he was up here or just the emotional support.
No one can tell me this isn't true love.
I know it is deep in my heart. I may be only 17, and he may be only 16,
but love has nothing to do with your age. It has to do on maturity.
There are many people are age who are just too immature to fall into
true love. They're too self centered on how they feel rather then how
they make other's feel, but I have met many 30 year olds..or even older
people who still need to mature to find true love.
It isn't just some emotion that's going
to fill you when you're with the person. Its like they become a part of
yourself. When they hurt..you hurt..you aren't just sympathetic. No one
can understand true love until they really experience it. When you find
it...you just know.
>> Continued in