Near the end of my pregnancy plans were in place to meet and begin a
life together after the baby was born. My husband and I had decided by
this time that even a baby couldn't help us resolve our differences. My
lover and I agreed I would move to his country since I never even
considered my husband would fight me for custody or try to take the baby
from me. Well, a month after my baby was born, I contacted an attorney
and learned that I would be unable to leave the country without my
husband's full consent. Something I learned quickly he would not
I informed my lover that he would have to come to my country, that our
plans would have to be altered slightly. He said he couldn't, that he
had never intended moving here. I will never be able to erase the memory
of the agony I felt when I heard him say, "I could never move to your
country." However, I loved him so much that I would rather keep him in
my life as my friend, then hate him for his inability to follow our
dreams regardless of which path they led us down. When he asked me to
promise I would remain his friend always, I did so without hesitation.
And then he started living a real life again. He began dating someone
and within two weeks he was sleeping with her. Within a month I was so
depressed my milk supply dried up, I couldn't feed the baby, I lost tons
of weight and all I did was cry and sleep. I had no desire to live in
this world anymore.
Every few months I would break down and write him begging him to come to
me or to release me from my vow to remain his friend, telling him I
couldn't do this and that I had to let go. Every time I spoke with him
we argued and he would tell me things about his life that hurt me
terribly. I would try to be happy for him, but I felt he was hurting me
under the guise of friendship because he resented the fact that his
dreams too had been destroyed because of my inability to hold up my end
of the bargain. I would purposefully tell him the agony I was feeling,
with the intent to hurt him as badly as he was hurting me. He would
remind me of my vow, and promise that the pain would end soon and we
would remain true friends and it would be good. We would draw apart, but
we always came back together to try one more time.
I began seeing a therapist to try to forget him and to get a handle on
real life again. I made a conscious effort with my husband to try to
work things out. Although he suspected someone else had come between us,
he chose to stay with me because of the state I was in. We are getting
along far better than we have in years now, so I guess some good came
out of this whole ordeal.
I am still friends with my lover, although we have both agreed no
intimate talk. In fact, although we talk maybe 5 times a week, for 2 to
3 hours at a time,--lately only through email chat for some reason-- it
is only tech talk, or about things we've found on the net. He doesn't
ask me about my personal life, and if I try to share things with him he
tends to draw away. I ask him about his girlfriend, and he answers with
brief polite responses.
I think he still cares for me as I do him, because most nights he stays
up until 2 or 4 a.m. talking to me, even though he is now living with
the woman he started seeing just after we split up. As I sit here
writing this I can't help but cry, because I still love him so very
much, even after all that has happened. I've stopped seeing the
therapist, my real life is going well, but my thoughts of my lover still
occupy a good portion of every waking moment.
I realize now it could have never worked out, we live two different
lives, but it is torture knowing we will never have the chance to try.
And then there is always that nagging afterthought, "we will never have
the chance because he was too afraid to come here and make the effort."
I'm an adult, a married woman, a mother and
a career woman. I would never have dreamed I could share the moments I
did with my cyberlover. Nor did I ever dream I could ever share the
thoughts and feelings with anyone, especially a stranger half way around
the world. This man knows a side of me, and holds a part of my heart my
husband will never have the opportunity or privilege to see or
I don't know why i'm telling you this. I think when I read the part of
Tina's story where she wrote:
"She felt a bond that she hadn't felt before with anyone, family,
friend, lover, ANYONE! She tried to shrug it off as "a side effect of
the medium" - just a mindgame created by her imagination, a false
"closeness" intensified by the clandestine nature of cyber chat. Come
on! She had never met the guy. Just typed messages back and forth on a
computer screen for a few weeks, for God's sake!"...
It made me realize that what maybe what he and I shared probably wasn't
as special or unique as I thought it was. And, even if it was, that this
is my reality now and I need to let go of him and let go of any hope
that he might change his mind and come here to me. After all, its been
ten months. Ten long months...
I used to think that if he showed up on my doorstep, I'd leave my
husband in a heartbeat. But now, I think about what would have happened
if I had moved to his country, and things hadn't worked out. He would
have run just as easily as he did ten months ago, I believe. So now I'm
putting the effort into my marriage that I was wasting on pining over my
cyberlover. And this is a good thing. I'll never forget my cyberlover,
the strength, nurturing, love and support he gave me when I was most
alone. He'll always possess a piece of my heart. But now? Just as I am
able to separate the two worlds of "reality" and "cyber" so can I keep
separate the feelings I have for my husband and my cyberlover, my
Here's to happy endings.